


Songs of an Authority

by Zygella



Series: Diamond Visits [11]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Give Yellow a hug, she's my wife i love her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 03:12:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17696561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zygella/pseuds/Zygella
Summary: Yellow knew how to express her sharpest emotions without a second thought. Steely, biting barks of harsh words and a sudden cut off. No room for challenge, no room for discussion. It was one of the many qualities that every Gem knew as Yellow's calling card. It was easy for her to communicate these hostilities.But an effective way to communicate her other emotions, the ones she pushed back and hid away for eons, was yet to be discovered for the giant gem.





	Songs of an Authority

**Author's Note:**

> Yellow is me in this. Everything in this fic is genuinely what I go through and feel. After BOHAM, I realized I saw a bit of myself in Yellow, that we shared a behavioral/personality trait. This is... me pouring my heart out essentially, symbolized through Yellow. Don't be too harsh on me for this one.
> 
> ALSO!!! I MADE A SHITTY DISCORD LOL: https://discord.gg/9pSaABF

Yellow knew how to express her sharpest emotions without a second thought. Steely, biting barks of harsh words and a sudden cut off. No room for challenge, no room for discussion. It was one of the many qualities that every Gem knew as Yellow's calling card. It was easy for her to communicate these hostilities.  
  
But an effective way to communicate her other emotions, the ones she pushed back and hid away for eons, was yet to be discovered for the giant gem. She struggled. Hard. Her brain knew what it was that needed to be said, but she could just... never put it into words. No matter how hard she tried, no matter what she might succeed in saying, she always felt it wasn't comparable to the emotions that she felt inside her head. There was never a combination of words she could speak that could properly convey what she thought. And it frustrated her to no end. It was so easy for everyone else to do it, but when she tried, nothing did the job right! It hurt her that she couldn't effectively communicate like everyone else. Made her feel defective, broken, wrong.  
  
Words just weren't good enough anymore. Words had always been her main outlet, simple enough that everyone understood what she spoke. And perhaps, others did understand what she spoke when she tried to convey her deepest emotions, but they didn't understand the way she was trying to achieve. It was always missing something, something she could never figure out how to put into those damn words.  
  
Singing helped a tiny bit once upon a time. But the more she used it, the less it seemed to work. She began to lose sight of the line that separated repetitive, useless words from a creative medium of exchanging feelings. Singing was still words, and words were her worst enemy. Words, speeches, poems, lyrics. They were all the same, giving her the same end result of disappointment and communication falling short. She couldn't work with this. It just wasn't enough.  
  
With this inner turmoil and frustration, she ended up lashing out at other people all the time. Blue, her court, and even Steven, once. But there was a difference for that last one. Steven, instead of simply pitying her, or withdrawing at the out lash, opted to try and help. He asked her what was wrong, and she told him, angry tears and all. He listened, and he thought about it. Then he came up with an idea. He used his human technology and an ambient instrumental music played out. He looked right at her as she listened with curiosity and... almost enlightenment.  
  
"Is this how you feel?" He had asked her. She had nodded. "I understand."  
  
Yellow was almost knocked breathless by this. This... this music was exactly what she wanted to convey, and it did so perfectly. And he understood. He understood properly, what it was she felt. It was liberating beyond belief. Someone finally understood... understood her. Her frustrated tears turned to overjoyed ones, ones of massive relief.  
  
Steven and Yellow spent a good while going through the internet, finding instrumentals to listen to and that Yellow could identify her own struggling emotions in. This. This was how she could communicate her emotions. By the stars, something from this planet had saved her all over again...  
  
They eventually created a list of songs that Yellow could identify with, for any emotions with which she struggled conveying, any combinations of them as well. And this is how she and Steven communicated when it came to such things. Every time she came to visit, every time he felt as if something had changed.  
  
"How are you feeling right now?"  
  
"... _Euphoria_ , I think, with a mix of _Beyond_."  
  
She only had to speak the titles of the songs she felt, and Steven would nod and understand. It was so... simple. Easy. The ease of her expression to the child filled her with giddy glee.  
  
Of course, no one else would understand her system. Unless they were to enlighten everyone, but everyone? That would take... forever. Yellow didn't have that much patience. She was grateful for this new outlet, but she wanted to be understood as quick as possible. It was addicting.

 

Steven eventually came to call it Yellow's Playlist. He'd always keep it on hand when she came to visit, which became more and more frequent. It wasn't any mystery as to why; Steven had given her almost a new meaning. And by god, did she love him dearly for it. Loved him dearly, because he was himself. Helping everyone he cared about.  
  
She became closer to him than even her fellow Diamonds. Someone might find this as worrying, but it wasn't because of anything they directly did. Yellow, with her playlist, thought that Blue and White wouldn't be able to understand anyways. That they would find her system silly, stupid, meaningless. It scared her, made her feel... awful. Made her feel like _Tides_.  
  
Steven would try to console her about this, saying that Blue and White would never do such a thing, but she couldn't shake her feelings, stuck between _Your Silence_ and _Saige_. He didn't quite agree with it, but he would never try to push her any further than that. He never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable. But he still decided that something had to be done.  
  
One morning, while Yellow had been off on her own, watching the stars until Steven awoke, she came to the beach to find the child sitting there with Blue. When had Blue come?  
  
Another thing that caught her attention; music. Her music, playing. Steven was... outing her to Blue?  
  
"Please. Be patient, be understanding. This system we created together has done her so much good, but she's been scared that you wouldn't understand how important it is to her." Steven said to Blue, in the middle of playing _Nirmiti_.  
  
Blue sat there, a hand gently placed to her mouth as she listened with curiosity. But... she looked a bit confused. Of course...  
  
Yellow stood there, mortified. Of course Blue didn't understand it. She felt like a fool. Defective, broken, wrong. She felt tears starting to pool in her eyes.  
  
"You... you said you wouldn't..." Yellow stuttered out, startling the gems on the beach. "You promised..."  
  
Steven cringed. He had promised. He'd forgotten in the haste to have Yellow be heard. "I... Yellow, I'm sorry. I just... wanted your fears to be gone. I wanted to prove there was nothing to worry about."  
  
Yellow narrowed her eyes in hurt, tears freely falling now. "You promised! I thought you understood me!"  
  
She didn't even give them a chance to respond before she ran off to the nearest warp pad and disappeared. She angrily wiped her tears away as she found herself in a winter wonderland. She didn't care where she was, as long as it was far away from them. She ran for another few minutes, before collapsing against a tall, snow covered tree and curling in on herself. Stupid, foolish. Blue probably thinks you're defective now. Steven promised and he showed her anyway... they had a system! A system that worked between them! Why did he have to go and ruin it?!  
  
She sat there silently, knees brought against her chest, tears leaking freely as _Wistful_ played through her mind. The snow continued to fall, covering her in a blanket of white. Perhaps she should just disappear here.  Yellow knew she'd been a bit of a hypocrite; wanting to be understood, but not sharing her communication with anyone else. But it was her comfort, her feelings. Shouldn't she be allowed to withhold them if she felt uncomfortable? She had a right to protect herself!

 

The _Wistful_ in her head morphed, fueled by her anger, to a mixture of _Ultimate Chaos_ and _Chaos King._ She was angry, hurt, upset. She had every right to feel like this, given the circumstances. What did Blue think? God, what would White think? She assumed this "shameful" thing would be passed on to the other Diamond as well. And then, it would be everywhere. She would be mass known as a defective hunk of failed authority. Rage seething through her, she twisted around and punched the tree she sat under, felling it with her force. It slammed to the ground, creating a loud thud in the otherwise silent area. Her self-embarrassment burned through her entire body, and she shouted in frustration and clutched her head in her hands.

 

"Oh, Yellow..." Came the allure of Blue's gentle voice.

 

Yellow looked up, eyes narrowed, mouth set in a snarl, at her fellow Diamond. Steven sat in one of her outstretched hands. Blue was staring at her with sorrow, expression mirrored by the child with her. She hated their stares, hated how it burned her. She ended up doing what she'd always done; lash out.

 

"Leave me _alone!_ " The golden gem wailed, scooting a bit away from the pair and looking away. The songs in her head pounded, growing louder, powerful, as her emotions grew more violent.

 

Blue, instead of doing what she was told, set Steven down in the snow and took a few steps towards her. Her eyes sparkled with oncoming tears, tears of regret, and sorrow. "Yellow... oh Yellow, _I'm so sorry!_ " She flung herself at the hurting diamond, hugging her tightly, her tears now flowing. "I never meant to make you feel this way! I never would have thought you defective for this, I don't know when I ever could've exhibited behavior that could make you even think of such a thing, but I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

 

Yellow, at first, didn't move, but suddenly, she hugged the other diamond back with such desire, such a need. The song in her head changed, now to _agoodgoodbye_. She sniffled a bit, before forming her own words. "It's... it's okay. I'm sorry too. I thought so lowly of you, and everyone else... I was just scared."

 

Blue pulled back slightly, holding Yellow's face with her hands tenderly. Her gaze was soft and loving, it almost made Yellow melt right then and there. "It's never your fault, my dear Yellow. I'd never want you to be scared when it comes to sharing something with me. I'm here for you, as well as everyone else. I _understand_."

 

Yellow almost kissed her senseless, but refrained from doing so simply because she was faintly aware that _oh, right, Steven is here too_. Her mind sung a mixture of _Euphoria_ and _Elevatia_ now, and it filled her with such relief, such happiness, such liberation. She laughed a wet laugh, tears still fresh on her cheeks. Steven took his time to step up and speak to her now.

 

"Yellow, I'm sorry. I never should have shared our-- your-- system without your permission. I'm really sorry."

 

Yellow smiled softly at the small boy. "It's okay, Steven. I forgive you. It's the least I could do, after all you've done for me."

 

Steven grinned, romping over to where the two diamonds currently sat cuddled in the snow, and jumped to join them. He brought out his phone from his pocket as they caught him, and began playing Yellow's playlist from where he had left off. Blue had to know the rest of the songs, after all!

 

The three of them continued to sit wrapped up in each other under the snow, in front of the felled tree, listening to the ambiences that represented Yellow's most deepest emotions. Blue had her eyes closed as she listened, a hand still splayed on Yellow's cheek. It comforted Yellow, with this extra bit of contact, that Blue wasn't going anywhere.

 

And, that Blue most definitely wouldn't think of her silly now.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't exactly link a whole playlist for all the songs I mentioned, simply because some of them aren't on YouTube. Some of them are actually mine (I'm Meelakat lol). But I'll give you the titles and where they can be found, IN ORDER:
> 
> Youtube:  
> CursedSnake - Euphoria  
> CursedSnake - Beyond  
> CursedSnake - Tides  
> Xtrullor - Nirmiti  
> RetroSpecter - Ultimate Chaos  
> Kamex - Chaos King  
> Garlagen - agoodgoodbye  
> Bossfight - Elevatia
> 
> LoopLabs:  
> Meelakat - Your Silence  
> Meelakat - Saige  
> Meelakat - Wistful
> 
> A good amount of my friends have Aspergers. They tell me all the time how a lot of my behaviors and personality traits reflect symptoms of it. I'm not gonna be out here saying that I, too, 100% have that form of autism, because I haven't been medically diagnosed. But that's just a little bit of information. It also comes into play a little to know that I'm LEFT HANDED. That means the right side of my brain is more dominant. The right side is more creative and such, while the left side is more text and logic based. So yeah. Just a little summary of what might be causing all of this for me. A better understanding of it.


End file.
